i'm better off without you, and now that i know that, i feel this huge sense of relief, but at the same time i'm mad at myself for not realizing it sooner, i spent way too much time trying to figure out what was going on inside you head, and now i think i've got you pretty figured out, you don't care about anyone but yourself. and honestly, it's sick that the way you hurt people has absolutely no effect on you at all. it's actually pathetic, and i feel bad for you, because you're the type of person who's going to end up alone, because they never let anyone else even get close to them, and just settle for not caring. well, newsflash: i cared about you. a lot. and it's just.. disappointing to find out that you don't, and never did. but this is good for me, because what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. and i know that God has a plan for me, and if you're not in it because all you do is bring me down and make me feel like shit, then so be it. i could care less at this point. i just hope that one day someone does to you what you did to me, not so you can feel pain, just so you can put yourself in my shoes, and realize just what you put me through and what you meant to me. but i'm always going to be here for you, regardless of how much i don't like the person you've become in the past year, because i told you that so many times, that i'd always be there no matter what, and unlike you, i keep my promises.


so, this is it, i'm done.


<3beth.

- i hate that you never try.

- i hate the way you say things will change, but they don't.

- i hate the fact that you're good to her.

- i hate the way you look at her.

- i hate the way you talk to her.

-  i hate that you think you have control over me.

-  i hate the way you act around your friends.

- i hate that we'll never be the same.

- i hate that you're all i think about.

- i hate the way you make me feel.

- i hate that you don't care about anyone but yourself.

- i hate that i didn't listen to my friends about you.

- i hate that you don't respect me.

- i hate that you think you can treat me the way you do.

- i hate that you don't realize how much i care.

- i hate that you'll never change, no matter what i say.


so, this is me saying goodbye, or at least.. trying to? idk honestly i know how redundant it sounds to say i'll never talk to brandon again, because it seems like i just can't get enough of him, but for the first time, i feel like i've had enough of this bullshit. and you can think what you want, but i'm serious when i say i'm not putting up with it anymore, and that he needs to realize all of this.


and is it a coincidence that this song just showed up on shuffle on my iTunes?




i think whoever reads this damn thing, needs to read these lyrics, because they're good at explaining what i'm not so good at.


ACROSS FIVE APRILS LYRICS

"A Year From Now"

Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you, my heart was yours,
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But we'll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real,
You said they were,
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
Knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm sorry that it wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?



i'm out,
<3beth.

so, this week actually went by pretty quick, hah well even though i wasn't in school for two days, but it's ight. i'm constantly absent basically because i think if teachers get personal days i should get them too. lol, so i take them pretty often, just to have a chill day, even though i just create stress for myself because of the make-up work the next day, oh well. it's the way i do things. and idk, this year has just like gone by sooo fast, we have testing in like two weeks, and i can't believe it's almost March, when people said high school would fly by, they really meant it. freshman year was like this too. and i realized from going back and reading comments on my old myspace, that i've even changed A LOT since last year. like, even the people i chill wit, not exactly the same as last year or middle school. i'm not sure if that's good thing or not, but hey i haven't gotten arrested this year, so i guess, lol ew. anyway, but yeah the year is already more than halfway over, and that sucks for me, cause for the first time in my life i'm not looking forward to summer AT ALL. i mean, yes the no school thing is always good, but with my mom's surgery and molly most likely moving two or three hours away in june, it's going to be a lot to take on. and i'm not exactly excited about being the maid in my house and my best friend moving away. molly and i have become soo close over the time that we've known each other, she's my sister, and her entire family is amazing, idk what i'm gonna do without them here. if you gotta license, wanna take a road trip or 32636754 with me this summer? cause i'm not planning on going through the whole summer without visiting. idk, but i try not to think about things that far ahead, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. i only focus on things happening right now, really, so i'm not worrying about it as much now, but in june i will be. so yay for stress the last month of the school year. ugh, and prom is coming up real soon too. and i still have to buy a dress that i look decent in, and figure out how the hell i'm gonna pay for all of it. plus, i need a job. so help a girl out, know anyone hiring? :] but anyway, i gotta bounce cause it's almost 11 and i need to study for a huge history test plus cram a few hours of sleep into my night so i'm not totally dead for tomorrow. so i'm out.

<3beth.

so i guess i need to accept the fact that brandon will always be the same way, no matter how much he says he wants to change and wants to better himself, he just doesn't make an effort, and i need him to. i always go out of my way and try to show him how much i care about him but he can't seem to understand where i'm coming from, and we have the same fight over and over again. and i'm not going to be the girl he can just run back to whenever, he needs to respect me, and all that i've been through for him. i try to find the good in him, because i know it's there, he just makes it so hard to find sometimes, and i just can't keep caring this much about someone without something in return, i just can't do it anymore. and it sucks because i'd like to consider myself in total control of my emotions and act like i can handle it all, but sometimes i just can't. and i hate showing that, because i don't show weakness, because i hate people that bitch and complain about every little thing, but i can't just keep bottling all this up, i guess. and it sucks because i wish that i could, i wish i could just keep it to myself and not let it bother me, but it does. and brandon has on clue what he means to me, and no clue how much i wish i could trust him like i used to, but i can't. i wish i could just get the truth from him 24/7 but the reality is setting in, and it seems like we'll never get the friendship we used to have back, and i don't know if he even noticed, but i can't even describe how much that bothers me, and i can't keep doing this, keep sitting here wondering what the hell is going through that kid's head. well, i need sleep, so i'm out.


<3beth.

so, the show was supposed to be reallyyy good, but it didn't end up the way i expected it to, but since when does anything ever go as planned? lol and i mean it was fun overall, but idk i was, let's just say uncomfortable at times considering who was there. because he's the only person that i can never figure out by just looking at, which honestly drives me crazy, because i can usually tell exactly what someone is thinking, even if they don't want to say it, but not him. he's just.. different from anyone else i've ever met, which is a good thing, or at least it used to. and it's not even like i'm friends with this person, because we usually don't talk anymore, and that's what helps me get over him because i rely on the whole "out of sight, out of mind" theory, and it seems to work because i build up this wall, and everytime i see or talk to him, he just knocks it down, and i can't understand why. actually, that's a lie, i know exactly why i still care about him, i know exactly why i was attracted to him in the first place, and i know exactly why i can't stop, but i don't want to admit it, so for now let's just go with "i can't understand why". but, enough about.. that person, who's name by the way you'll never catch me typing in this journal, but if you know me well enough, you know who i'm talking about and you probably want to smack me for saying i still care about him, but i do.

ugh, anyway, but yeah after the show was more fun because i chilled with ronnie and annie, and just talked about pretty much anything and everything, because well, get over it, we're girls it's what we do.  it was cool though, cause the three of us haven't chilled like that in such a long time and it's nice to catch up and just talk about the "good old days", even though some of them weren't so good, but who cares? we learned a lot since we all met (our whole group of weird ass middle school friends), and we've all changed a lot too, and for most of us, it was for the better. so, whatever, live and learn i guess. and then last night i chilled with annie again, and mikey who i barely see anymore, so my break has been pretty fun so far.

except, that's all about to change, considering i have to go pennsylvania until monday to my grandparent's house, and let me tell you how i'm looking forward to that, lol. oh well, i have to suck it up, and hopefully it'll go by fast, so.. if we're friends, fucking call me because i'll be bored, help me pass the time! : ) and yeah, hopefully when i get back molly and i can chill cause we haven't yet this break (besides me mike and annie stopping by her house last night for like 15 minutes which doesn't count) and i miss my best friendddd. so, yeah hopefully our plans will work out, but molly's been so busy lately, but i can't blame her, i mean she's got her job, boyfriend, school, plus the open house in a week, it's a lot to handle, but it sucks cause we don't get to chill as much as we used to. anyway, i'm out.

<3beth.

so, this journal is pretty much a way for me to get my thoughts out, feel like i'm in seventh grade again (ew), and it's something for me to look back on in a couple of years so i can laugh at myself, plus i'm getting sick of myspace blogs anyway.  so today is the first snow day of the year, and i couldn't be more bored obviously, because i'm sitting here making a livejournal, regardless, today's gonna be a chill day, considering i have absolutely no plans at the moment, lol. this is such a waste of a snow day too, because there's not enough snow to actually go out in (well for me anyway), it's basically an ice day because the roads are so fucked up. and yeah, everyone's making a big deal out of valentine's day, which i think is pretty stupid. valentine's day has never been a big deal for me, but oh well, to each his own i guess. and did you ever notice that wednesdays are probably the worst day of the week? because it's right in the middle, and if you're having a bad week, and you hit wednesday, you just feel like the week is never going to end, and wednesdays are always pretty boring, cause occasionally i'll find myself wanting to go to the rink, which means that i've reached a very high level of boredom, or there's someone there i want to see. other than that, i only go to the rink for shows, and there's one tomorrow actually that i'm gonna go to and chill with ronnie before and after, and just have as much fun as possible before i leave for pennsylvania on saturday, which will be zero fun because i have to spend time with my father and his family, which always sucks. anyways, i really have nothing to say today i'm just randomly going on about stupid shit, so i'm out.

<3beth.